Lost in Transition

I'm supposed to be a yuppie now, the ones ordinary people see in places like Greenbelt in co-ed hordes all dressed up like they're going to a prom. Those people who party all night, eat in expensive places and wear thick make-up on their faces (at least for the women.) Those people who drink cocktails, wine and beer, and smoke cigarettes while loudly conversing with each other.

Then I ask myself, "where is that yuppie in me?" I have no hordes of workplace friends to speak of. I don't like staying up really late partying the night away. I despise cigarettes and alcoholic beverages. I do not like flaunting my hard-earned cash on other people's faces. I might party like once a month, but that's probably it. I'm more of a homebody person, and not the type you would see in a disco.

Another question arises, "Do I want to be that yuppie?" If I try to be one, I might probably regret it. Now I am in the position to be one, as compared to being a person looking from the outside. I'm in the same world as they are now, but I am lost.

I remember back then when I see these people in those high-end places, something churns inside me as if I am looking at a person I do not want to be ever.

This probably reflects the person that I am: an introverted, intuitive, feeling, and perspective individual. Since I have an inner core of values that guide my interactions and decisions, I want to be involved in work that contributes to both their own growth and inner development and those of others--- to have a purpose beyond my paycheck. I make a priority of clarifying my values and living in congruence with them. So I apologize for not being that flexible when it comes to schedules, especially at night.

This inner core of values probably overshadows the fact that I am also a born martyr. I recognize and honor the emotional and psychological needs of others, even when others may not have recognized or expressed my own needs.

I am adaptable and flexible until something violates my inner values. When this happens, I stop adapting and emerge with my feelings and opinions with an intensity that is surprising to others. Probably, this is the reason why my coursemates resent me and forgot all the things I've done for Parada. Once I've broken free of their manipulative grasp, suddenly, I've done nothing for Parada. However, I value relationships based on depth, authenticity, true connection, and mutual growth, so when they forced me to apologized, I apologized just to appease their feelings. And if anyone from my Fine Arts Block reads this, I'm sorry that you feel that way about me, but I regret lying by apologizing for something I never did.

I wonder if that's a sin, lying at your expense just to make other people happy. If it is, then may God forgive me for that incident. Either way, I've lost many friends in that event. I know that many have talked behind my back, and I've caught wind of those conversations. However, whatever happens, whatever they believe, call me crazy, but I still treasure them even if they don't.

Here I am standing in the crossroads, virtually alone now. Sometimes it is too hard to be trusting, but what would this world be without trust?